I Forgive You
by 20flavorsofyum
Summary: I'm not blind, deaf, or dumb, I know the sins that I've committed that cause them to hurt and I knew what the consequences would be before I even committed the sin. I still did it, though. I still hurt those that I love. Each time, each time they discover another atrocity, they do something horrible in return for each wound that I inflict on them.


Title: I Forgive You

Written By: 20FlavorsofYum

Rating: M – Please heed this warning as there are **serious adult situations** contained within. Story is based loosely on MegaMix Panda. Characters are OOC according to Canon.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.

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I've done a lot of shitty things in my last thirty-two years of life. Those that had remained by my side, my family, my loved ones, have all suffered though the grief that I have put them through. I'm not blind, deaf, or dumb, I know the sins that I've committed that cause them to hurt and I knew what the consequences would be before I even committed the sin.

I still did it, though.

I still hurt those that I love. Each time, each time they discover another atrocity, they do something horrible in return for each wound that I inflict on them. It's pathetic, in a simple sort of way, and yet I'm torn to shreds when ever they tell me, "I forgive you."

I must have been about twenty-four at the time when Mika, my older sister, found out about the affair her husband, my brother-in-law, and I have been having. She was far along in her fifth pregnancy, not quite showing yet, but the baby bump was already there. Our family was elated about the pregnancy and were hoping that this time she wouldn't miscarry. All the other pregnancies were failures in that respect.

I can't count the number of times I would catch a glimpse of her tears, before she would quickly wipe them away, acting as if nothing had happen. At around the twelfth week mark, when her pregnancy should have been more or less in the clear, she caught me and Tohma in bed. Together. Naked.

In the, goddamn throes of ecstasy.

Terror filled her every pore and dripped from her face in the form of tears, she had backed out of the room as fast as she could, but in the process fell over. Tohma and I rushed to her aid, but she recovered before we could reach her and ran away. I heard her mournful whimpers and cries, she was sobbing because of me.

Because of the me who had so carelessly hurt her.

The broken and weak sister that I saw once again in the hospital a couple weeks later was not the Mika that I had come to know and love. She knew, we all knew, that the baby had been lost subsequent to that event, but what had been the true cause of miscarriage was still largely unknown. I blamed Tohma for the loss of the baby and Mika's depression, but that's only because I didn't want to admit who was really at fault.

The doctor, Dr. Tanka if I recall, didn't actually speak to me or Tohma. He spoke to my father. The door had been shut and I had to lean in and place my ear on the cold metal just to hear a few garbled words and the damming verdict, "Ms. Mika Seguichi has suffered... there was nothing we could do... I'm so very sorry Mr. Uesugi." What followed after was heart pounding silence.

A haunting hush encompassed the world, my world at least, for what must have been near forever. It stretched on and on, I never heard Tohma's footsteps approach me, when I had realized he was there I didn't say a word. I believe that the look on my face must have said it all for he backed away from me, much in the same horrified manner that she had when we had been caught, and ran. He ran away, from me, from Mika, from Japan.

In some ironic twist, I had noticed that my sister and Tohma really weren't much different from one another; when faced with a terrible discovery they both back away and run.

I stayed by Mika's side, or as close as I could get because the Old Man never let me actually see her, he told me that she would rather just pray and rest. I made her meals, I did her laundry, and I cleaned up when she wasn't in her room. I even wanted to help with the temple while Mika was incapacitated, but he didn't let me. He blankly stated that a young man from a neighboring temple was helping out with the duties. Tatsuha wasn't even helping. And I knew. I knew that he knew that I knew he knew.

Sound complicated enough?

He knew that Tatsuha and I were involved with things we shouldn't, late night visits that should never have happened, he knew that I, at some point, figured out that he knew the truth. And I think he blamed himself for how crappy his sons had turned look in his eyes when he saw me in front of Dr. Tanka's door gave it away. Regret and shame were piled up, like shoddily discarded dreams, one on top of the other, unstable, and unbearable. I couldn't bring myself to look at him after that. Not even all these years later.

Speaking of my darker twin, the boy ran away from home after I told him that Father realized the truth. I guess Tatsuha, much like myself, couldn't handle living with the verity of the situation. No one has had contact with him. No one has tried to contact him.

A couple of years after the miscarriage my sister phoned me out of the blue. I had been working on a new story, a brutal story that didn't contain a spark of romance, and certainly hadn't been expecting her to be on the other line. I hadn't known what it was I should say. Possible statements of apology had run through my brain, but really, what was I suppose to say? "Mika, ol' girl, I'm sorry I took it up the ass from your husband and our brother." Despite my lack of verbal eloquence, not even I would venture into the fray armed with _that_ statement. Or maybe, "Hey Sis, sorry that I've been havin' hot, raunchy, gay sex with your husband and our brother!" Uh-huh, yeah, not happenin'.

To be honest, it was one hell of a conversation. She spoke rapidly, stumbling over her words in her haste to say what it was she needed to say. And I listened. I listened to everything it was she needed to pour out and only uttered the necessary sounds to encourage her to continue. For Mika, talking was cathartic, for me, it gave me a chance to see what was going on in her brain.

Throughout the entirety of the phone call, she only spoke of how she felt, what she thought, and her plans for the future. I didn't fail to catch that she never once spoke of how we could return to our brother and sister relationship. She did not once mention that she wished to see me or hear from me.

I didn't fail to recognize the fact that she had her phone number listed as unknown, even though she was calling from her new cell phone that Father bought for her, and she never told the number to me either. Sure, I probably would have brushed her recitation of her new number off, but I do keep track of these things. My address book is always up to date.

Or as up to date as I can get it discounting all the people I've pushed aside over the years.

Well, at the end of the call, about two hours and one sore ear later she hesitated and stammered for a few agonizing minutes. I had just about all I could take of Mika and her jabbering. My chest was hurting and I was so sick to my stomach that I had to bit back a couple hurls. She was happy, moving on, learning to forgive Tohma and Tatsuha for what they had done. But what about me? Would she ever love me again? Would she hate me? As seconds changed into minutes she finally spoke, "Eiri, I just want to say that no matter what, you are my little brother and... well, I... I forgive you."

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So, what did you think?


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